So, what are the words that will heal?
It wasn't my fault.
It wasn't my fault.
It wasn't my fault.
It really wasn't my fault. Some day, I'm going to believe that.
It wasn't my fault.
It wasn't my fault.
I didn't ask for it.
I didn't ask to be hurt.
I didn't ask to be raped.
I didn't ask for it.
It wasn't my fault.
I didn't deserve it.
I didn't deserve to be hurt like that.
I didn't deserve to be hurt over and over and over again.
I did nothing wrong.
I did nothing to deserve it.
It wasn't my fault.
I was forced. I had no choice.
I was forced. I had no choice.
It wasn't my fault.
I didn't do nothing wrong.
It wasn't fair.
I did nothing wrong.
It wasn't my fault.
I wasn't bad. I wasn't bad. I wasn't bad. I'm not bad. I'm not bad. It wasn't my fault.
Secrets hurt. Secrets make us sick. He made me keep secrets. I didn't want to.
I didn't want to do it but I couldn't make him stop.
I didn't want to do it but I couldn't make him stop.
I didn't want to do it. I never ever would have wanted to do something like that but I couldn't make him stop.
I'm sorry he made me hurt others. I'm very sad he made me hurt others. I didn't want to.
It hurt me to hurt them.
He made me. He told me. He forced me.
I didn't want to hurt nobody.
I feel bad he made me hurt them.
It wasn't my fault.
I was scared so much but I couldn't ever let anyone see that.
I was so scared. I was so scared. I don't think anyone can ever know how scary it was. And I had to hide my scared.
I was scared a lot. When it would happen. Waiting all day knowing it would happen again that night and the next night and the next day.
I was so scared all the time. It's all I could think about. I couldn't escape the scared or what was going to happen and I knew it was going to happen and it'd never, ever stop but some says, few days, it was okay and nothing bad happened and I Kind of hated those days because they were false and little and few and the smile was going to go away again and the bad was going to come back, the bad always came back and it was easier to always feel bad because feeling good wasn't real, wasnt going to stay and was true for just a short bit.
I didn't want to feel good because then I hated feeling bad worse. It made the bad feel so much worse.
I don't think anyone can know how much I suffered. I don't think anyone can imagine. I really don't. I'm sorry.
I suffered horribly. You have no idea.
How much it hurt to just be alive every day knowing what would happen and what did happen. Feeling singled out because I could see that others weren't tormented so. They could smile and laugh and it looked like they feeled good. I could see that I was different, that I was singled out, that I carried deep shame and self-revulsion.
I hated what was happening and I couldn't make it stop, not ever.
I couldn't tell no one.
I couldn't tell no one. Or he would hurt me more. Or he would hurt brothers and sisters.
I couldn't ever tell no one.
There was no escape. He told me over and over and over again. There was no escape for me ever.
It wasn't my fault.
I didn't make him do it.
I didn't make him hurt me. I didn't do anything to make him hurt me.
It's hard to admit. How much. He hurt me.
How much I suffered. No one can even imagine.
I didn't want to be hurt.
I didn't ask to be hurt.
It wasn't my fault.
I didn't want to live lots of times.
Lots and lots and lots of times I didn't want to live no more.
On the days I wasn't hurt it felt wrong like something was missing because I was supposed to hurt all the time. I was supposed to be scared all the time and when I wasn't it felt weird.
My pain doesn't just fill a box, a closet, half a room, an entire room....it fills many rooms and hallways.
Mom knew. And she didn't stop him and I hated her for that. I hated her for that.
There's no answer to why. I don't ask why because there is no answer.
It wasn't my fault.
I did nothing, nothing to deserve it.
I was innocent but I suffered.
