Chasing Mountains, Conquering Marys Peak

Since I moved here last August, I have been intrigued by the perpetual sight of majestic Marys Peak, the 4,000 foot mountain that I can see out my living room window. It the tallest peak in the Oregon Coastal Range and can be seen from everywhere in the county.
A few months back, I decided to drive up the mountain. I guess I should mention that I'm no fan of mountain driving, scant guardrails, no road shoulders and massive dropoffs, all part of driving various parts on my state. I must have made it up about a mile of hairpin turns before I quickly made a U and headed back down. I was riddled with panic.
Yesterday, as I viewed the mountain from my parking lot...it looked so enticing with the clouds gently rolling over in spots and peak still peeking. It was near sundown but I really wanted to capture of photo of her in her pretty cloud dress, so I hopped in my car and drove...just thinking I was going for a photo.
As I drove the ten miles, I could feel it welling up inside of me...destiny, fate, time to conquer my fear? I kept driving.
It must have been 20-30 miles of 15-30mph driving up the curvy, bodacious cliffs. I blasted my radio for sensory downing and focused solely on the intermittent yellow line often in the center of the road. I avoided looking over the edge. I didn't need that kind of stress. I stayed focus with oscillating moments of "this is Crazy!!!!" coupled with "OMG, this is a terrible idea!!!!"
As I'm driving, I hit a fog layer or two, the temperature dropped, visibility downgraded to fair and the windshield filled with misty droplets. Once or twice I checked my GPS only to find I had many miles, multiple minutes to go. I plowed onward and upward.
After what felt like a white-knuckle eternity, I spied a parking lot up ahead. I stopped, parking the car way back from the edge and got out. One of my first thoughts was "sh*t, how am I going to get back down?" I got out.
Wow, the view Was spectacular, I kid you not. The city lights sparse down below looked like a surreal city adrift on a foreign planet. The sky, and crescent moon, I felt so close to them, uncovered, naked and closer to them then I had ever been. And it was cold, as mist pelted at 45°, 10-15° cooler than down below. I hadn't expected that but then, I've rarely been on a mountain.
I took pictures. I laugh, I can see the fear...but I can also see the pride. I did a big thing. I conquered yet another big fear.
Now, everytime I see her throughout my day, I can say, "See, I was there!!! Way up high! I Did a Great, Brave Thing!!!"
Life is good
The force is strong in this one
Yeah, I took my time, in second gear and drove home, happy as a clam at a lobster bake.

Getting Naked

Well, this is the first time I've been in my own place by myself. My teen is away for a few weeks so I decided to try new things. Lol, I started sleeping jammie-less. It's a very odd feeling, to feel my whole body naked like that. I'm known for my jeans, long sleeves and layered clothing so this is really new for me.
First most prominent thought...how can I not love my body? I know, it's the opposite thought that many experience but, for some reason, I love my physical body more naked. It'd almost seem sacrilegious to have any thoughts other then "my body is a wondrous and lovely thing." I can't explain it and it doesn't make any logical sense to me but I love my body more without clothes. It feels just natural. No costumes or hiding or wearing what is deemed appropriate. I'm good with my self.
I've also been wearing shorts on these 90° days. It's strange to see my legs, the light-colored, whispy, erratic hairs, old scars and fresh, minor scrapes.
Then I decided to try going barefoot when I take puppy for a walk or if I need something from the car. Boy, the ground, various types of asphalt and cement provide a plethora of unique sensations with every step. It's not natural for me to walk barefoot, almost feels like I'm doing something wrong and hazardous. The ground isn't usually safe, what with sharp stones, bees, possible broken glass or discarded pieces of foil. I think I worry way too much about that whole safety aspect.
Does it feel good to walk barefoot? The jury is still out. I visualize a big circus and unpredictability, fun yet fearful sensations are scattered and many. I do feel a stronger connection to the Earth and the sensation of being in my own feet, own body. Of course, it is quite grounding but in almost an overwhelming way. There are tons of sensitive nerve endings on feet and it's like an overloaded switchboard. I can't say whether it's good or bad. I wonder if I'll get...calmer with going barefoot more often. I'll continue to explore this.
Just wanted to share these nuevo experiences.
Be well

Emily Dickinson Poetry

Being Autistic... No Friends

If I had a nickname that suited me best, it would probably be Unreachable. Being Multiple, MPD as well as Autistic means I'm a double dissociative. I'm not just one step removed from reality but two.
I want to have a friend or two but the process, conscious effort and mental planning seem overwhelming. Previously, it seems that I make friends with neighbors, within survivor groups or through regular contact at a store or office. I really haven't gotten out enough to meet and get to know anyone.
I stopped by Urgent Care today as my week-long cold/ upper respiratory ailment has been slow to heal. I met another good doctor there. He ordered chest xrays which turned out to be normal, ruling out pneumonia. He gave me a couple prescriptions for antibiotics and stuff to help me breathe easier. It's good to know it's probably viral and I should start feeling better soon, although he said the cough could last another 2-3weeks, yikes!
My Facebook account has been hacked and I can't remember my password to get in and fix it. Well, it's time for a break from fb, apparently, although fb is my main source of connection and support. I'll try working on it again this weekend as I'm still too ill to be out and about.
The college has graduation this weekend so the apartment complex is in flux what with students packing, partying, moving in and moving out. The parking lot, as well as the streets, will go from full to empty in the span of a weekend.
My wrist is starting to heal. The two partially torn ligaments seem to be less painful, as subtle range of motion and stretching fail to illicit grimacing pain. The structure of my wrist looks a bit askew, like the sinews and bones have permanently changed shape with the injury, if I'm to trust my ortho guy. Kinda feels nice to stretch and get relief from wearing the infernal splint.
I'm continuing to have issues with my therapist. She inadvertently and gloriously broke the therapeutic trust thingy, so it's very difficult to communicate with her at all and, if I remember correctly, there was zero eye contact with her last session meaning she's lost my respect. I'll see how it goes next week. Not sure whether to stay working with her and get over this or wipe the slate clean and move on. We will see.
It's late at night and quite peaceful. Maybe time for bed.

Narcisstic Traits to Be Aware of. How to spot a narcississt

After having been duped, manipulated and taken advantage of for over 10 years by a full blown narcissist, I thought I'd share some of the warning signs:
1) They won't allow you to satisfy them sexually, as that would give you some value and control. They like you to feel inferior, like a failure and this is one tactic they use.
2) Don't bother buying them gifts. They will frown, throw tempertantrums and, again, prove that you are not good enough. Narcissist only want the gifts They want, not the thoughtful ones you have in mind. Always remember how they love power, control and domination. I learned to ask for a gift list and made sure to buy everything on the list.
3) A narcissist will never apologize because, in their crazed, self-absorbed mind, they are incapable of doing anything wrong. It is always someone else's fault and they will blame you, either verbally or secretly, for every little thing that goes wrong. No apologies means you will often get the blame for their mistakes.
4) Narcissist are notoriously bad with money and finances as their motto is "I want what I want and I want it now." Think of the terrible twos that kids go through and apply it to these dysfunctional adults. Bankruptcy, overdrawn credit cards, second mortgages, and, oh, they will hide the bills from you so you don't see their ineptness. They will definitely blame their overspending on you and continue to buy as often as they like.
In a similar note, hoarding of goods and items never used, is quite common.
5) They are emotionally immature and frown or freeze you out, if you display any normal emotions. Controlling their own non-existent emotions requires some effort on their part so don't mess that up by feeling or showing how you feel.
6) They monopolize every conversation. Don't bother taking them to your child's school conference or doctors appointment, as they will simply reminisce about their school experiences and their illnesses not the child's.
7) They love putting you down. Funny, true story, I brought my narcissist for moral support to a Social Security Disability hearing. All they did was slam me, point out every little inability and tear me down with great glee and superiority. It was the exact opposite of support. They enjoy and relish a format whereby they can point out how inferior you are.
8) They simply don't care. If the cat was sick, I could call them at work and they'd rush home. If I was sick and couldn't get to a doctors appointment, they couldn't be bothered to leave work so I'd have to make other arrangements or forget it.
9) They lie and omit the truth with ease and no regret whatsoever.
I'd much rather be single than live with such cruelty. I should have left years ago.
If you see these traits in a partner, Get Out.

I've decided to stay in bed for awhile, staying in bed all day works for me

Sometimes life just doesn't work out and it's best to make the conscious decision to stay in bed whenever possible.
I've got a few things dragging me down, most notably this week long bronchitis. I'm wheezy, weak and feverish. I remember hearing a few different neighbors cough for over a week and I'm guessing I have what they did. Bedrest may be best.
I can't say I'm depressed. I'm sure a therapist may disagree. I don't have anxiety. Being Autistic the world has always hurt in varying degrees. Staying in bed is a method to deal with my CPTSD as it is The only safe place. I'm entitled to feel safe, warm and comfortable.
I'm not interfering in anyone else's life. I have no family or friends to disappoint. Being disabled, there is no job to go to. I'm sick most of the time, anyway.
I'm not hurting anyone and it truthfully doesn't matter a tinker's damn.
I realize there are a few things I must acquire to make my bed life easier. A more comfortable mattress. I'm not sure if I'll upgrade from a twin to a queen. I might appreciate the extra room and the doggy does take up space. Maybe get a headboard to store things, a bed lamp, snacks, books, ear phones and such. New pillows and sheets. There, now I have goals to achieve before I can be successful in my staying safe and low key life. It works for me and I'm all that matters.

A productive day even with fever

So, I've been dealing with this cold and it's intermittent fevers for almost a week now. I keep thinking I'm getting better then the aches, pains and burning up returns. Laying low as much as possible. Ibuprofen is my friend.
I made it to the meeting with my housing helper. I currently live on SSI and receive housing assistance, otherwise I'd be living in my car. Anyway, my lease on my 1 bedroom is up in a couple of months and I'm almost at the top of the list for a subsidized townhouse. This is going to be a close call between when my lease is up and the new place. My housing assistant assured me that I will not be homeless. Great to know! Housing Assistant is pulling strings to get me moved up on the list and into a new place before my lease here is up.
I've never lived anywhere that I had an agency so vehemently care and work so hard to keep me safe and sheltered. It's a wonderful change. I have to keep pinching myself that this is actually true.
I got just a couple minor chores done. I'm pretty much in a constant state of exhaustion and fatigue. This cold can go away at anytime.
Therapy is coming up. My therapist messed up big time last session so I'm not looking forward to confrontation as that's so uncomfortable for me. I'm not a fighter. I'll see how that goes I guess.
Made it through a nother day. That's what I'm here for. Just makin it through each day.

Silence is Healing

I'm I've always been a great fan of Silence and I require large amounts of it.
Every since I could remember, I've wanted my weekends to be peacefully flooded with no words, no sounds. It's one of the reasons I've always known I was different.
I'd rather not talk than talk. Speaking is often an effort, sometimes a monumental effort.
My brain requires copious amounts of downtime. If I don't get it, I'll often go mute in Selective Mutism.
The world is a noisy, ever busy, chaotic place. Give me an hour of pure quiet as the antidote.
Studies are now proving how healthy and necessary silence is...1. Silence relieves stress and tension. 

Florence Nightingale, the 19th century British nurse and social activist, once wrote that “Unnecessary noise is the most cruel absence of care that can be inflicted on sick or well.” Nightingale argued that needless sounds could cause distress, sleep loss and alarm for recovering patients.

It turns out that noise pollution has been found to lead to high blood pressure and heart attacks, as well as impairing hearing and overall health. Loud noises raise stress levels by activating the brain’s amygdala and causing the release of the stress hormone cortisol, according to research.

An unpublished 2004 paper by environmental psychologist Dr. Craig Zimring suggests that higher noise levels in neonatal intensive care units led to elevated blood pressure, increased heart rates and disrupted patient sleep patterns. 

Just as too much noise can cause stress and tension, research has found that silence has the opposite effect, releasing tension in the brain and body.

A 2006 study published in the journal Heart found two minutes of silence to be more relaxing than listening to “relaxing” music, based on changes in blood pressure and blood circulation in the brain.

2. Silence replenishes our mental resources.

In our everyday lives, sensory input is being thrown at us from every angle. When we can finally get away from these sonic disruptions, our brains’ attention centers have the opportunity to restore themselves.

The ceaseless attentional demands of modern life put a significant burden on the prefrontal cortex of the brain, which is involved in high-order thinking, decision-making and problem-solving.

As a result, our attentional resources become drained. When those attention resources are depleted, we become distracted and mentally fatigued, and may struggle to focus, solve problems and come up with new ideas.

But according to attention restoration theory, the brain can restore its finite cognitive resources when we’re in environments with lower levels of sensory input than usual. In silence ― for instance, the quiet stillness you find when walking alone in nature ― the brain can let down its sensory guard, so to speak.

3. In silence, we can tap into the brain’s default mode network. 

The default mode network of the brain is activated when we engage in what scientists refer to as “self-generated cognition,” such as daydreaming, meditating, fantasizing about the future or just letting our minds wander.

When the brain is idle and disengaged from external stimuli, we can finally tap into our inner stream of thoughts, emotions, memories and ideas. Engaging this network helps us to make meaning out of our experiences, empathize with others, be more creative and reflect on our own mental and emotional states.

In order to do this, it’s necessary to break away from the distractions that keep us lingering on the shallow surfaces of the mind. Silence is one way of getting there.

Default mode activity helps us think deeply and creatively. As Herman Melville once wrote, “All profound things and emotions of things are preceded and attended by silence.”

4. Getting quiet can regenerate brain cells.

Silence can quite literally grow the brain.

A 2013 study on mice, published in the journal Brain, Structure, and Function, involved comparing the effects of ambient noise, white noise, pup calls and silence on the rodents’ brains. Although the researchers intended to use silence as a control in the study, they found that two hours of silence daily led to the development of new cells in the hippocampus, a key brain region associated with learning, memory and emotion. 

While preliminary, the findings suggested that silence could be therapeutic for conditions like depression and Alzheimer’s, which are associated with decreased rates of neuron regeneration in the hippocampus.

Forever Alone

There are good and bad points to living a solitary existence. I don't miss the drama, expectations, mandatory get togethers, and thick dysfunction of my bio family. They were cruel, heartless beings that abused, maligned and invalidated my existence.
I do miss having a friend, one friend. I continue searching for another person that I can talk with and do things together with. All I have currently is a therapist an hour a week and a state assigned helper, once a week.
It still feels better being alone than with a romantic interest who emotionally stomped the hell out of me in her narcissistic, self-absorbed ragings everyday.
I have my own apartment, a puppy and I live in a beautiful mid size city in the Pacific Northwest. I couldn't have picked a more welcoming, calm and serene place to live.
I've been known to date, lol, usually that means one or two dates before we part ways. Communication is difficult, at best. Being Autistic, my natural first language is silence.
I'm learning how to live on my own as I lived with others most of my life. I have agencies that I turn to in lieu of the being without friends or family. It's not bad or a negative. It's just the way it is.

A new blog

It was time for something new, as I'm not the same person I was when I started my previous blog.

I am very much alone and desired a space whereby I could share my inner musings, my happiness, distress, issues, musings, rampant thoughts and current interests. It's definitely a free-for-all with no specific agenda. Whatever blows my way will be recorded. Being alone, no one hears me. Cyberspace seemed to be as good a place as any to try and be heard.

I welcome your thoughts and comments.