The War

of surviving severe childhood sexual abuse has always been fought on two fronts. The Outer Front, Watchung for and avoiding men, the predators and the Inner Front keeping the inner world from leaking out, building walls and doors, keeping Inside People separated with walls and thick curtains.

A twofront war.

Living in Middleland

I feel 14, the perfect age to be the purveyor of Middleland. I'm constantly uncomfortable and on the verge of a scream or a faint. I don't fit quite right. Nervous and unsettled.

Betwixt what has been, what is, and where it will go. A seer, a sayer, an unwilling explorer.

Not being sure where to so, I move slowly with cautious and calculations. 

Starting to realize the family hearth was full of smoke and sick rules painted on the wall that could only be seen if you parted the fog and lived within the timbered walls full of invisible think barriers. Taught the "wisdom" at mothers knee which was a series of paranoid untruths, but, children, especially her children believed every honeyed word.

Different "knowledge" was learned at fathers knee, which still cannot be spoken clear lest people vomit and turn away, turn off my channel in dismay.

Was I the only audacious audience to the massive, heavily portrayed farce called my family? The sickening Don and Sharon show? Quite an audience but how many played? Sick circus show called my family

I'm okay

My life revolves around therapy twice a week. Each session takes 2 to 3 days to recover from. Most of the time, I'm sitting, processing and doing nothing else.

There are no projects being worked on. No recipes being baked. No trips out the door unless absolutely necessary. 

I am an unstable Multiple Autistic Incest Prostitution Survivor and that is what 100% of my life is about. Healing from what others have cruelly done to me.

I'm okay.

Just surviving. 

Woke up in Chaos

Well, this hasn't happened in awhile. It's been weeks, more likely many months since we awoke filled with chaos, conflicting and rapid thoughts, rampant anxiety and destabilized to the max.

Anti-anxiety medication First Thing in the morning. We had a chiropractic appointment which we botched because our bone cracker sucks. He's hit and miss. Today, complete miss but we were able to attend, get our treatment and leave Without incident. 

Yesterday, therapy, bunch of Usses, working on new focus, learning about Lincoln, the early beginning years of 0 to 5 when we lived there and the details of the rampant sexual abuses by dad and his friends every week.

Yesterday, learned of some "games" played under the card table while the men were between card games. We were fed beer, even remembered the taste of it in therapy.

They'd sit naked, hide coins and a folded dollar bill and make little, way way little Usses hunt for it. 

Many under table, rather public naked men games in the living room there which was way different from the one-on-one sexual assaults in the bedroom.

Stirred the pot of new unheard from Peoples. 

The Lincoln Peoples and everything that happened to them is our foundation, every thing we are built on. Fixing, helping, healing them, heals all of Usses. They are Core People by default, by their very age. Core means it effects all of Usses. Vital stuff.

It I'd Sooooo frickin' uncomfortable to talk about!! Can I scream that here please?!!!!!

Awful shit man. Just awful.

Hate the work but doing it. Fucking hate it to hell but doing it 

A book about Surviving Incest and Childhood Sexual Abuse

How I know I'm Multiple, or Waking Up in Strange Places

I'm learning about my MPD, Multiple Personality Disorder which I was diagnosed with around 1998, I think. What is different about MeWe as opposed to Singletons.

I wake up in strange places. Today, I woke up in a place called Therapist's Office, TO. The Others of Usses have been there since 2016. Today was my first time. I literally took my index finger and poked the Therapist's upper arm to make sure she was real. She accepted this with a smile cause she knows we are MeWes and do safe but unusual things. I was checking reality which I often do with my index finger. I have to touch to see what is real and what is not.

Yesterday, I briefly woke up on the highway around a place called Peoria. Now that's a fun name. Some one else's was driving. I just found myself looking at old houses along the street.

I also woke up in a store that smelled awful like old books. We were looking at the old books on the shelves. I don't know why or which books were interesting so I went back Inside.

I pop in and out of this waking reality home to massive amounts of massive humans. That's why I know I'm Multiple. The Singletons don't do that.

I never questioned

I never questioned the incest or prostitution. It was always just the normal way of life for me and within a family that approved of it.

At 60, looking back, after thirty years of therapy, I can see it now. And it makes me so sad. That was normal for me. Sexual acts with my father, grandmother and strange men.

I never asked why me? Or how can I make this stop? My parents had taught me this. I believed them. It happened multiple times every week. Why would I ever question it?