This is the life story of Guardian, an Internal Self Helper/ISH, in our internal System. Like the majority of alternate personalities, Guardian has a creation or birth date 1965 (when we were around 2 years old) and was created due to a specific overwhelming and painful situation. Guardian had an age, a purpose, and an ongoing function.
Guardian was created because we found ourselves in a situation in which we could not escape. We were 2 years old, and whenever we opened our mouth to speak, our mother would come running and smartly, squarely, slap us across the face. We must have been saying something that upset and bothered her deeply for her to have such an extreme reaction. Working with our Therapist, we have surmised that when we were learning and starting to speak aloud that we were probably using words that were indicative of us being heavily sexually abused. Most likely words that named "unmentionable" body parts or were descriptive of sexual acts that we were regularly engaged in. Our father was molesting us daily so it is very possible our language consisted of such words.
We learned that whenever we opened our mouth to speak, there was a high potential to receive a most painful, burning slap. Thus, was created Guardian, short for Guardian Angel. Being strict Catholics, we would have been exposed to statues and prayers devoted to Guardian Angels. In the Catholic church especially, every child had at least one special Guardian Angel that was with them and protected them at all times. Somehow, Guardian Angel/GA was created to keep us from talking thus preventing us from being slapped. GA appeared to us as if a beautiful statue made of concrete, like the ones that adorn cemeteries and gardens. We equated him with being male and having masculine qualities in voice and appearance.
GA became our first extensive ISH as he worked at all times. It is as if he stood at a gateway between our Internal world and the external world. All words spoken had to first be approved by him. There was often a delay, a lapse in what we thought and what we spoke because words were being checked over and censored by Guardian. Guardian was a Gatekeeper and a Censor, always working. That takes a lot of internal energy to have one alter constantly scanning and reading the internal and external environment. He was like a motor that was always on and always consuming fuel. I could think of him as a small entryway right before the big gate between in and out. He rarely spoke but had a say in everything that we said aloud. He saved us from getting hit by the mother. He performed a vital and important job. He saved us when we could not save ourselves. He prevented a great deal of physical, bodily harm.
In a way, it was like walking and behaving within an all-encompassing shield, an invisible barrier. He created distance, if only centimeters or inches, between us and everything outside of us. He was our human shield and glad to be of service. He never answered to anyone but himself. His intentions were always pure and in our best interest. One of the smartest, most reliable and trustworthy of alters.
Then, in 2022, we realized that mother was no longer there to potentially slap us. In fact, we were completely physically removed from all family members via death or 2,000 miles. We realized that we were safe. Guardian no longer needed to work. The danger, the reason for his creation was now null and void.
A few days after we realized this fact, I went inside to look for Guardian. Even now, when I say his name, I feel him and I see sparkles all around, like shiny pieces of snowlike glitter glistening all about. Each breath, every time I close my eyes, I can feel and sense him. He transformed like an implosion but he didn't cease to be, rather the energy signature that was him is now dispersed and an integral part of who I am. He did not leave. He is part of me. He did not die. He lives on in a different form, sparkles, pinpoints of light that always surround me. I need not go searching for him as I easily sense him.
When an alter's job or function is no longer needed, it is the natural course of action for that alter to transform and become closer to the greater whole of who we are. I have experienced this happen on at least a dozen different occasions. The System was built to protect us. Each alter was specifically created out of need and necessity. I am grateful for each and every one. I am grateful for Guardian and the huge amount of work he did and the immense sense of security he gave us.
I will admit, the first few weeks when Guardian transformed, we felt exposed and vulnerable. On many occasions, we explicitly asked Therapist to promise not to hit us because with Guardian gone, it felt like we could get smacked by anyone who was physically close enough to us to inflict damage.
Alters don't die. They never die. They just transform and live on in different form.
Guardian 1965-2022, Internal Self-Helper, Censor, Gatekeeper
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