This is where I begin...
I am fully aware of the first split that started my Multiplicity. I was very young, under a year old, when my father committed a most egregious act of savagery against my small person, using my body as a perverted, sexual tool. The remembrance is a short series of brief visual images coupled with somatic sensations. It's highly disturbing, inhumane and grotesque in nature. A true abomination. But at least I know where I begin.
It's bothering in that if my father could commit such a heinous act on his own infant daughter, there surely are a multitude of other equally troubling incidents that have led me to become a highly fractured individual. It tells me that there must be more rooms, hallways and entire floors of alters hidden with traumatic injuries.
I am deeply wounded. Though I've always known that, the reality has indeed grown more real in my mind.
In a way, a large and looming question has been answered. Silently, I've always searched for the origin of our birth. That question has now been answered. I know when and how and by what means we split and I came to be. With great sorrow and devastation, I feel more real. Once this deep sadness and heavy grief abates, I will move on.
It feels as if I have a foundation now, although shaky at the moment. I have a starting place with which I can begin to weave my own life. It feels like I can work to set goals and discover which direction I wish to carry myself and the remnants of my life.
To set goals has often been a daunting prospect, as I never quite know how i will feel or who I will be from one day to the next, therefore, I shall find aspirations which are highly flexible and can be achieved intermittently without a rigid schedule. Currently, I'm floundering between intense grief and incredible boredom. I need something to hold onto, to look forward to and to strive for. Yeah, kinda like I need a reason to live, something to fill my days and hopefully to accomplish some set objective.
It isn't easy. It isn't pretty but this is me, this is us, this is our life. Going to make it okay.
