Deconstructing Lincoln, Incest Survivor, the child assaulted every single day 0-4 years old

It's easy to separate the time of my birth to when I was four, as my parents, brother and I were living in Lincoln Nebraska, removed from all extended family. 

There were no grandparents visiting everywhere or month. No aunts or uncles to babysit or check in. My parents had the freedom to do whatever they wanted. Mom wanted to procreate. Dad wanted children to rape. It was a win-win for them. It was a lose-lose for me.

The reason I say that my father sexually assaulted me each day is due to my own memory and from watching his behavior with other infants, toddlers and small children.

I learned that when dad returned home from work, he used me for his sexual release. Like clockwork, I grasped the pattern that happened with great frequency. 

It wasn't uncommon for my young 20ish father to use me again, twice in one day. It would occur either at bath time, bed time or at some point during the night.

I learned to fear the dark because I could not see my father approaching my bed. I could count on the after work and bathtime molestations but when the sun went down, uncertainty.

I never felt safe to fall asleep. The assaults seemed more disturbing when I couldn't prepare or see them coming. Nighttime I felt like a sentry, on a vigil, listening for the sound of the creaking of parent's bed or the squeaking of the hinges of their bedroom door. My bedroom door being open felt like an invitation to violation. I'd quietly bang me head on the bed to keep awake and try and keep calm.

People used to say things like "everyone had a difficult childhood." I used to believe them. Figured what happened to me must have similarly happened to everyone. I know now, just within these past couple years when I've been courageous enough to risk ridicule and speak my truth With my therapist, I know now that I am so far from normal that the odds are incalculable. 

I was sexually assaulted by my biological father from 0-4 once or twice a day. I'm nothing like anyone else.

From 4-16, my dad continued to molest me as did his mother and the men they both sold me to.

My childhood was heartbreak, painful and tragic. I'm grateful I left my family, moved thousands of miles away and can speak openly of the heinous, sadist acts that my relatives perpetrated upon me for all those years.

I survived. I'm not even sure how or why. I am here.

Always and Never Alone, the Best Book about Incest, Childhood Sexual Abuse and DID & MPD

Available on Amazon and Kindle.

It took me ten years to simply find words to accurately communicate what it was like to be Autistic and a Survivor of chronic and prevalent Childhood Sexual Abuse. 

We even painted the cover.

Heartfelt. Heartbreaking. Highly Inspirational. 

Dealing with Dissociative Identity Disorder and MPD by Amy M. Murphy

I love this little figurine. I can relate.

Our earliest memories, pre-toddler incest, sexual abuse, baby's first words

Having difficulty sharing these days. We are working with pre-4 stuff. It's astounding to see how the System formed. Reminds me of the Big Bang. Our Universe was formed because my dad abused us every single day, for the most part, from our earliest memories. Once a day was average but often it was more than that.

Our System, our Littles formed words.

Here are the first four words we understood and that mattered:

Broke- we were broken and we knew it as did everyone around us. Broke was our first word.

Fant- was our second word. It means to dissociate, to leave the body. One would fant out, get out of the body when harm was headed our way.

Ally- was the place outside of the body that we went to. It was safe in the Ally. You didn't get hurt if you were in the Ally.

Our fourth word we spoke of today for the very first time with Therapist. 

Our fourth word is

Thorn

Thorn- was the word we used to describe sexual abuse from our dad. Thorn was an incident of severe abuse.

We were Little, under 2 years old so we had to find words that we could understand and use amongst ourselves. 

Our entire earliest years revolved around daily sexual abuse from our dad, our primary care giver.

Yeah, we aren't like you. Our foundation, our experiences are really different.

Broke

Fant

Ally

Thorn

A child's first words......think about it....sad...