Deconstructing Lincoln, Incest Survivor, the child assaulted every single day 0-4 years old

It's easy to separate the time of my birth to when I was four, as my parents, brother and I were living in Lincoln Nebraska, removed from all extended family. 

There were no grandparents visiting everywhere or month. No aunts or uncles to babysit or check in. My parents had the freedom to do whatever they wanted. Mom wanted to procreate. Dad wanted children to rape. It was a win-win for them. It was a lose-lose for me.

The reason I say that my father sexually assaulted me each day is due to my own memory and from watching his behavior with other infants, toddlers and small children.

I learned that when dad returned home from work, he used me for his sexual release. Like clockwork, I grasped the pattern that happened with great frequency. 

It wasn't uncommon for my young 20ish father to use me again, twice in one day. It would occur either at bath time, bed time or at some point during the night.

I learned to fear the dark because I could not see my father approaching my bed. I could count on the after work and bathtime molestations but when the sun went down, uncertainty.

I never felt safe to fall asleep. The assaults seemed more disturbing when I couldn't prepare or see them coming. Nighttime I felt like a sentry, on a vigil, listening for the sound of the creaking of parent's bed or the squeaking of the hinges of their bedroom door. My bedroom door being open felt like an invitation to violation. I'd quietly bang me head on the bed to keep awake and try and keep calm.

People used to say things like "everyone had a difficult childhood." I used to believe them. Figured what happened to me must have similarly happened to everyone. I know now, just within these past couple years when I've been courageous enough to risk ridicule and speak my truth With my therapist, I know now that I am so far from normal that the odds are incalculable. 

I was sexually assaulted by my biological father from 0-4 once or twice a day. I'm nothing like anyone else.

From 4-16, my dad continued to molest me as did his mother and the men they both sold me to.

My childhood was heartbreak, painful and tragic. I'm grateful I left my family, moved thousands of miles away and can speak openly of the heinous, sadist acts that my relatives perpetrated upon me for all those years.

I survived. I'm not even sure how or why. I am here.