It's gonna get worse before it gets better

Man, I have always hated that phrase. And I can tell you when I first heard it, Center One Psych Ward 1989, newly diagnosed MPD. I hated that phrase because it implied "No End in Sight." I was already worse. Hell, I'd been living Worse for a few decades already and Now they were saying that I was (or maybe, or just being optomistic) going to get Even More Worse before I got better?! Really? Really? Well fuck me some more.
It's infuriating this, this weekly bout battle of pure exhaustion that I've been experiencing for over a month now whereby 2-5 days of the week I am helplessly bedridden with exhaustion due to the fucking healing power, which obviously overwhelms my autistic brain, and I can't do shit, can't have a normal life, can't Be functional just fucking forced to rest and sleep till my bodybrain is done Processing and finally hits Restore and I can move and locomote and think again.
I question this fucking healing shit because it seems to be I'm living, choosing to live, with this getting worse before it gets better shit, AGAIN.
I'm questioning, God, whether this frustration and debilitation is Worth the "getting better" shit I keep hearing about. Am I being a stupid ass or stupid smart? I'm not a martyr. I Don't Want to Continue to have to fucking suffer to get well. Is going to acupuncture worth It? It's like I'm in a goddamn treatment program here and I Do Not Like it!! And I'm not into this day after day after day of not knowing if I'll be able to wash, walk, dress and feed myself.
Do you have any fucking idea how many goddamn days I've spent in exhaustion shutdown and unable to physically care, provide the necessary, bare essential care for my self? Damn, if even the past four years whereby 2 years were spent on death's fucking door and death refused to goddamn take me for some asinine devine reason..I mean, that was like weeks and months of toxic suck sick unable to move. Jesus Christ, COME ON!!!
God, I was hoping at some fucking point in my life, the goddamn suffering and being Worse would be like OVER!!
Is it ever going to be over? Does the suffering ever stop? Can this exhaustion, this godforsaken, ever looming, unexpected, unpredictable, fucked up, autistic brain exhaustion SHIT stop???
Please
C'mon
Enough is enough is enough
I'm frustrated as hell
Feeling Highly Frustrated
I don't deserve this
Suffering is for bad people or evil ones but not good people, not people that have spent years actively being hurt
C'mon
I didn't ask for this, this goddamn road that I've been forced down. Didn't ask to spend my childhood unable to escape what was being done to my body by escaping into my mind and building highways, fields where I could run because if you can't run you are trapped if you are trapped you will be hurt and I ran in my mind because my body was trapped. My body absorbed the blows, sucked up the pain. It's always been at fault for not being able to either physically fight or flight. Seems like I'm going somewhere here searching for an answer disguised as a stake, a sword in the stone I'm not quite sure I want to pull out
My body has always been the fallguy
It was always the part of me that's been stuck (God, I hate that word too)
They could do whatever they wanted to my body, and they did, it had to be present, no choice, my body could never leave, could never ignore or escape the blows, too slow, too impossible, to be in my body means I hurt, didn't want a physical body, sigh, the men loved the physical body, the mother hated the physical body, no one cares what the physical body thought, wanted or needed.
I hated having a body
I couldn't get away from it enough
It hurts
The eyes leak all the time
I don't want anyone to look at me, see what's been done, see what it's been made to do
A body should suffer
A body that has suffered beyond imagination
It just makes me sad, all the hurt that's stored there. Feel sorry for it. Don't want to be in it. No one likes it just wants to do to it.
I've never liked my body. I've been always trying to get away. It doesn't work the way I want it to. I've seen better. Failure failure failure. To be in a body is to know suffering and it suffers from all that was done to it.
Time to run some more
In my mind
The only safe place
Where it mostly doesn't hurt
Do I leave my body so much because its,already been hurt bad? Or because I fear being in it because it will get hurt again like it always was?
I don't know
So broken and busted
I don't know
If it would ever be able to keep up, to be able to run as fast and keep up with my mind
But then
Wouldn't I be dead
I just want to run
To be hurt no more
Ya know?
I'd like some control over my own life not  be controlled by shutdowns and other people. I'd like control over days and weeks. Please
I've never really been in control of my self and such. Can only imagine it might be nice.

Desperation..you know not of which you speak

Watching "Into the Wild" and, again, I'm struck with the feelings of desperation through which I've endured on multiple occasions. I think few can truly grasp the depth of feelings associated with the word. Oh sure, maybe you've been sick a few days, had surgery, a car breakdown, yeah, those are but minor fractions, tiny slivers of the meaning. So you understand it, a bit.
I comprehend the word to it's depths, it's breadth, to it's very ravenous core.
Desperation is a complete and total reliance upon oneself, one' own body and mind...and being unable to move, even a single inch, out of the way of a screaming freight train, a devouring fire, the consuming mouth of hunger and thirst. It's being tied down in a desert  amongst unrelenting heat. It's screaming in pain with no one to hear.
It's about laying down and not knowing if you will ever be able to get up again, to eat, to drink, to walk.
It's about not knowing if you'll find the courage to take another breath.
It's about rapid, shallow breathing as a gun is held at your temple, another person's finger on the trigger, not knowing if, within the next second, you will feel pain, death, heaven...or hear laughter at the fear they elicited upon you.
Desperation is being hungry, God, it's about being so hungry an entire day, and then the next day, and payday is a week away.
It's about blacking out on the floor, struggling to call out and no one answers. You either find the will to crawl or you lay there and wait for chance.
Desperation is being chained, roped in, helplessness, being unable to escape and you can feel the knife at your throat or the hand below your waist.
It's about being pinned down; the ability to move, to react, to save yourself having been taken away.
It's when there is no one outside willing to help, even if they are standing directly in front of you, intentionally inflicting pain and daring you to scream so they can slap you again. That, my friend, is desperation.
Being trapped with someone, door locked, windows shut, tied to the bed and being tormented.
Don't you fucking tell me you understand the word unless you truly do.
There's so much more to this. There really is. Maybe this exposes the tip of the iceberg.

Good Drinking

Aka Drunk

It doesn't make sense

Fuck and the Therapist

This is the third therapist who has blatantly stated that I could cuss, swear, say anything I want, and it would be fine.
And she's the third therapist to, months later, throw it back up in my face when I had used the F word. And revolt, and act offended or like some saint who had tolerated the word.
Therapists need to stop deceiving themselves and their clients by the erroneous claim, "you can say anything."
No, I can't be free to say whatever I want in therapy. Lying bullshitters.

My dog loves me