Man, I have always hated that phrase. And I can tell you when I first heard it, Center One Psych Ward 1989, newly diagnosed MPD. I hated that phrase because it implied "No End in Sight." I was already worse. Hell, I'd been living Worse for a few decades already and Now they were saying that I was (or maybe, or just being optomistic) going to get Even More Worse before I got better?! Really? Really? Well fuck me some more.
It's infuriating this, this weekly bout battle of pure exhaustion that I've been experiencing for over a month now whereby 2-5 days of the week I am helplessly bedridden with exhaustion due to the fucking healing power, which obviously overwhelms my autistic brain, and I can't do shit, can't have a normal life, can't Be functional just fucking forced to rest and sleep till my bodybrain is done Processing and finally hits Restore and I can move and locomote and think again.
I question this fucking healing shit because it seems to be I'm living, choosing to live, with this getting worse before it gets better shit, AGAIN.
I'm questioning, God, whether this frustration and debilitation is Worth the "getting better" shit I keep hearing about. Am I being a stupid ass or stupid smart? I'm not a martyr. I Don't Want to Continue to have to fucking suffer to get well. Is going to acupuncture worth It? It's like I'm in a goddamn treatment program here and I Do Not Like it!! And I'm not into this day after day after day of not knowing if I'll be able to wash, walk, dress and feed myself.
Do you have any fucking idea how many goddamn days I've spent in exhaustion shutdown and unable to physically care, provide the necessary, bare essential care for my self? Damn, if even the past four years whereby 2 years were spent on death's fucking door and death refused to goddamn take me for some asinine devine reason..I mean, that was like weeks and months of toxic suck sick unable to move. Jesus Christ, COME ON!!!
God, I was hoping at some fucking point in my life, the goddamn suffering and being Worse would be like OVER!!
Is it ever going to be over? Does the suffering ever stop? Can this exhaustion, this godforsaken, ever looming, unexpected, unpredictable, fucked up, autistic brain exhaustion SHIT stop???
Please
C'mon
Enough is enough is enough
I'm frustrated as hell
Feeling Highly Frustrated
I don't deserve this
Suffering is for bad people or evil ones but not good people, not people that have spent years actively being hurt
C'mon
I didn't ask for this, this goddamn road that I've been forced down. Didn't ask to spend my childhood unable to escape what was being done to my body by escaping into my mind and building highways, fields where I could run because if you can't run you are trapped if you are trapped you will be hurt and I ran in my mind because my body was trapped. My body absorbed the blows, sucked up the pain. It's always been at fault for not being able to either physically fight or flight. Seems like I'm going somewhere here searching for an answer disguised as a stake, a sword in the stone I'm not quite sure I want to pull out
My body has always been the fallguy
It was always the part of me that's been stuck (God, I hate that word too)
They could do whatever they wanted to my body, and they did, it had to be present, no choice, my body could never leave, could never ignore or escape the blows, too slow, too impossible, to be in my body means I hurt, didn't want a physical body, sigh, the men loved the physical body, the mother hated the physical body, no one cares what the physical body thought, wanted or needed.
I hated having a body
I couldn't get away from it enough
It hurts
The eyes leak all the time
I don't want anyone to look at me, see what's been done, see what it's been made to do
A body should suffer
A body that has suffered beyond imagination
It just makes me sad, all the hurt that's stored there. Feel sorry for it. Don't want to be in it. No one likes it just wants to do to it.
I've never liked my body. I've been always trying to get away. It doesn't work the way I want it to. I've seen better. Failure failure failure. To be in a body is to know suffering and it suffers from all that was done to it.
Time to run some more
In my mind
The only safe place
Where it mostly doesn't hurt
Do I leave my body so much because its,already been hurt bad? Or because I fear being in it because it will get hurt again like it always was?
I don't know
So broken and busted
I don't know
If it would ever be able to keep up, to be able to run as fast and keep up with my mind
But then
Wouldn't I be dead
I just want to run
To be hurt no more
Ya know?
I'd like some control over my own life not be controlled by shutdowns and other people. I'd like control over days and weeks. Please
I've never really been in control of my self and such. Can only imagine it might be nice.
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