Mostly what it feels like

When you are a child and scared every walking moment for days on end, it can be really hard to shake that feeling of terror, even when you've grown to be an adult.
Mostly, it feels like, I'm in a 22 story building that's on fire. The flames are engulfing the first 20 floors. I'm standing at the window. No one can reach me; no ladder high enough. The roof is on fire, in danger of collapsing at any moment.  Even if someone cared enough to try and save me, they couldn't.
It's just me. It's always been, will always be, just me in this building on the verge of catastrophic collapse.

When things go bad

Tonight was the closest we came to being violently assaulted. Once we reached the safety of our vehicle, protocol dictated three steps: contain, confine and shelf. That's what we do, it's what we've always done, when we get scared, overwhelmed or hurt really bad.
Contain and confine the emotions, the fear, the tears and screams. To let those intense feelings hang out and be expressed would be dangerous, leaving us vulnerable and exposed without any armour. You can't hide if your crying. You can't be strong when you're screaming. I know this war. I live this war.
I should have smacked the danger down. I should have been prepared for the unexpected. I've lived this shit. Every day I lived this shit, prepared and ready to strike.
They said the danger was over. They said the perpetrators were dead. Maybe that part is true but danger still lives...could be anywhere.
Be steel. Be Steel

The People Program

The People Program

When we enter this plane, this existence, when we are born, we enter into one of two programs; the people outside or the people inside. Only one is allowed.
The people outside program means that we get love and support and belonging outside of ourselves with others. The people inside program means the only love and support we will ever find is on the inside, within ourselves, creating and living with other alter personalities.
You can't have both. True, as if there were outside support people, even just one outside support person there would have been no need to create the inner sanctum, the inside ones.
Having inside people means people on the outside really seriously messed up. They hurt us bad, repeatedly and frequently. There is no trust outside. There never has been. Why would that change?
The system, the internal system wasn't built to ever accommodate outsiders. Too foreign, too risky. Just not necessary.
We live within where it is always and only safe.
Peace