Starting to remember childhood incest and sexual abuse

Last night, in those twilight moments between wake and sleep, three snapshots, well two snapshots and one very short film, of flashbacks occurred. 

Disturbing material follows...

The first flashback, I was sitting on my bed, in my nightgown and it is morning. My sisters have already gone downstairs. It wasn't too common for dad to go upstairs, but there he was. He quietly informed me that we "were going to the park" that day, just he and I. I knew what he meant. It was another day of servicing men at a local public rest stop.

That wasn't the most troubling aspect of the memory. The main point of the memory was that my dad was physically, inappropriately touching me. I had never remembered that act this clearly.  I could see my dad. See and feel what he was doing.

I know, it is vile and disgusting but it happened. 

As he was doing that, another alter was at the doorway, serving as a lookout or hoping someone would return up the stairs.

See, anytime I was alone with my dad and he could get away with it, he had his hand in my pants. It's like my privates didn't even belong to me but to him. 

The second flashback was of my grandmother, dad's mother, doing the exact same thing, hand in my pants. 

I remember that she was still more of a stranger to me than a relative, as my parent's had lived hundreds of miles away my first five years with only infrequent family visiting.

Thus, it felt very odd to have this strange woman in personal places on my 5 or 6 year old body. I was trying to figure her out as I looked at her cold, smiling eyes behind the gold rimmed, cat eye glasses. Her suit, her dress from the late 60's looked like fabric that belonged on a couch. It was goldfish with brown stripes, heavy collar and of a thick, grainy material.

I cannot recall where this was, in what room or even what house. All I knew and can recall is this strange woman in front of me, physically assaulting my body.

The third flash is for another post, at a time when I can process it a bit more.

The three flicked one after another, so they are connected in some way. Maybe it happened to the same alter. Maybe this is the body recalling specific times that it was touched in that same place. I'm not sure.

This is my life. These are some of the bad things that happened. 

Today, I was able to verbalize these three to therapist albeit haltingly and with less info. Once I start talking about an incident, it's like a key in the lock of the overflowing closet and for hours, days and weeks after, I slowly sort through and add details to what was said. Information flows so it's important to write.

The third much longer flashback later.