Because I clearly remember the pain of rejection and being treated as worthless, a nobody and someone to be tolerated and ignored, hour after hour, day by day. This was my normal. I was too sick to move, to feed, care or even dress myself and the one person in the world that I thought loved me did absolutely nothing to ease my suffering.
She wouldn't take me to doctor appointments...no, she was much too important and busy for that but if the cat got sick, she dropped everything to take him to the vet. The cat had far more value than I, her "partner".
I can't imagine being more helpless in a body wracked with pain and unable to move and she watched me suffer and didn't give a tinker's dam. How could that be anything but neglect, abuse and damaging blows to my shattered psyche?
She knew I had grown up severely abused, relentlessly tortured, starved and neglected. Basically, she took the malfeasances that I endured and inflicted deeper wounds on the ones not even healed.
It does make me angry...the depth of human cruelty, the lengths to which one can turn a blind eye and kick the sh*t out of someone who can't even crawl. How could she??????????
Where is God and hope and justice and f*cking human decency?
Those 20 years with her almost equalled my first 20 hellish years but in a more subtle manipulative way. She knew I was a victim and made the conscience decision to inflict more harm. Who does that? Who can live with themselves, sleep well at night and look themselves in the mirror...and smile with self-satisfaction?? What kind of f*cking animal allows her "soul mate" to sleep on a couch night after night for decades because she refuses to share her bedroom or comfy queen size bed??? Someone who is clearly sick with a major, documented illness and she provides zero support, comfort or assists with the basic necessities of life.
Who is so selfish, self-righteous and egotistical that she can easily walk past and ignore someone in great distress?
What kind of inhumane flotsam walk this earth with head held high and never feel anything but self-absorbtion even when she shares a living room for hours everyday and she does nothing to help???
How can someone have such a blackened soul and hardened heart?
I suffered...i suffered horribly in the presence of someone who said they loved me, wanted to marry me and I was her soulmate. How screwed up and deranged is that person's mind? What would she have done if she didn't like me??? She could not get any lower.
The pain, the grievous injustice, the pure daily cruelty overwhelms me. In a way, her sickness ....is worse than mine. She can't see it and continues to feed and malign others. She sees no wrong, She sees No wrong in anything she has ever done. How f*cking sick!!!!!!
She will Never Apologize!! Never take Any responsibility for her neglect, for her cruelty and for the endless daily pain she inflicted upon me. She will forever be blind, deaf, abusive and completely self-absorbed in her narcissistic little warped world whereby I'm a piece of sh*t and she's the mother of big dogs dragging oversized balls.
How do things like that live with themselves?
How can any hurt me so...how can anyone choose to repeatedly, venomously and with great vigor decide to harm me?
God, I am such a nice person. And God I have suffered enough. I don't know why I was her perfect victim and all I saw in her was good for so very long. We were both blind.
That Wasn't Love!!!! That was so very far from love. She said the word just like my mom and dad and it didn't mean anything but hurt.
It's difficult to acknowledge the chest of heartache she caused, mostly because it would give her satisfaction to know how much she hurt me.
I cried a couple times every week on the couch...the only space in a 2400 square foot house that was allotted as mine.
She hurt me by lying with distorted words. She hurt me by daily treating me as an infidel. She hurt me by metaphorically punching me in the chest everyday with her cold, dead eyes. I was suffering and I was nothing to her...and it took forever to escape that death chamber and her narcissistic grip.
It hurt that I used to believe her when she said she loved me when she was really just punching me in the chest and showering me with hatred manipulated.
I'm working to undo the damage little by little. It's like unraveling twisted metal that has begun to rust. I have to teach myself what love truly is...not the evil thing she and parents instilled within me. I've thought that word almost vile and why would anyone seek it? Now I know my friends...sadly and with great shudders now I know.
They taught and demonstrated that love hurt and meant feeling very bad about myself...that wasn't love. They showed that love meant being viciously wounded and hurt with a smile on their face.
God, I see where things have gone wrong....and the work I have to do to actually be able to feel pure, true love.
Lies, all lies....i get it now.
My work begins anew...finally headed in the right direction...thank you God
She wouldn't take me to doctor appointments...no, she was much too important and busy for that but if the cat got sick, she dropped everything to take him to the vet. The cat had far more value than I, her "partner".
I can't imagine being more helpless in a body wracked with pain and unable to move and she watched me suffer and didn't give a tinker's dam. How could that be anything but neglect, abuse and damaging blows to my shattered psyche?
She knew I had grown up severely abused, relentlessly tortured, starved and neglected. Basically, she took the malfeasances that I endured and inflicted deeper wounds on the ones not even healed.
It does make me angry...the depth of human cruelty, the lengths to which one can turn a blind eye and kick the sh*t out of someone who can't even crawl. How could she??????????
Where is God and hope and justice and f*cking human decency?
Those 20 years with her almost equalled my first 20 hellish years but in a more subtle manipulative way. She knew I was a victim and made the conscience decision to inflict more harm. Who does that? Who can live with themselves, sleep well at night and look themselves in the mirror...and smile with self-satisfaction?? What kind of f*cking animal allows her "soul mate" to sleep on a couch night after night for decades because she refuses to share her bedroom or comfy queen size bed??? Someone who is clearly sick with a major, documented illness and she provides zero support, comfort or assists with the basic necessities of life.
Who is so selfish, self-righteous and egotistical that she can easily walk past and ignore someone in great distress?
What kind of inhumane flotsam walk this earth with head held high and never feel anything but self-absorbtion even when she shares a living room for hours everyday and she does nothing to help???
How can someone have such a blackened soul and hardened heart?
I suffered...i suffered horribly in the presence of someone who said they loved me, wanted to marry me and I was her soulmate. How screwed up and deranged is that person's mind? What would she have done if she didn't like me??? She could not get any lower.
The pain, the grievous injustice, the pure daily cruelty overwhelms me. In a way, her sickness ....is worse than mine. She can't see it and continues to feed and malign others. She sees no wrong, She sees No wrong in anything she has ever done. How f*cking sick!!!!!!
She will Never Apologize!! Never take Any responsibility for her neglect, for her cruelty and for the endless daily pain she inflicted upon me. She will forever be blind, deaf, abusive and completely self-absorbed in her narcissistic little warped world whereby I'm a piece of sh*t and she's the mother of big dogs dragging oversized balls.
How do things like that live with themselves?
How can any hurt me so...how can anyone choose to repeatedly, venomously and with great vigor decide to harm me?
God, I am such a nice person. And God I have suffered enough. I don't know why I was her perfect victim and all I saw in her was good for so very long. We were both blind.
That Wasn't Love!!!! That was so very far from love. She said the word just like my mom and dad and it didn't mean anything but hurt.
It's difficult to acknowledge the chest of heartache she caused, mostly because it would give her satisfaction to know how much she hurt me.
I cried a couple times every week on the couch...the only space in a 2400 square foot house that was allotted as mine.
She hurt me by lying with distorted words. She hurt me by daily treating me as an infidel. She hurt me by metaphorically punching me in the chest everyday with her cold, dead eyes. I was suffering and I was nothing to her...and it took forever to escape that death chamber and her narcissistic grip.
It hurt that I used to believe her when she said she loved me when she was really just punching me in the chest and showering me with hatred manipulated.
I'm working to undo the damage little by little. It's like unraveling twisted metal that has begun to rust. I have to teach myself what love truly is...not the evil thing she and parents instilled within me. I've thought that word almost vile and why would anyone seek it? Now I know my friends...sadly and with great shudders now I know.
They taught and demonstrated that love hurt and meant feeling very bad about myself...that wasn't love. They showed that love meant being viciously wounded and hurt with a smile on their face.
God, I see where things have gone wrong....and the work I have to do to actually be able to feel pure, true love.
Lies, all lies....i get it now.
My work begins anew...finally headed in the right direction...thank you God
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