I've been near tears most of the day. I have no idea why, so I thought I'd write in an attempt to figure it all out.
As I have been organizing, I realize that I do miss having my youngest son here with me. It's been about a month now. I miss his presence, his voice, ice cream sundae Sunday and his hugs.
My therapist is away for a week. I miss talking with her, looking forward to appointments and the huge relief I often feel at the end of session. Plus, she gives great hugs with those long arms.
I miss my best friend Lis. I just do is all.
I'm rather stressed out. I've been socializing at a rather frenetic pace, for me anyway. Most of the time I've thoroughly enjoyed it but feeling good and having fun seems to come at a high price for me. One afternoon of fun typically equals a day or two of sleep and nothing else. My energy is zapped for a couple days and I fall behind on getting things done at the house.
As I've been dating...i see more clearly...how much work and energy is required in interacting. I see my shortfalls, my disabilities, my slowness in thought and how challenging daily life, mundane average tasks are for me. Hmm. Part of me seriously wonders if I'd be able to sustain a healthy relationship given I require so much downtime and self care.
I see myself as a child trying to learn the rules of the road, the rules of dating and the effort and time needed just to get to know someone well.
Maybe I can never have a steady relationship or the ability to sustain one anyway. If that is the case, I need to learn to be okay with that. I'm not saying it isn't viable, I'm just questioning, seriously questioning whether I'm able to actively participate in a comfortable relationship given my sensory issues and needed time for rest and processing.
I feel a loss...like, I'm not as far along in my recovery as I thought I was. A bit of grief maybe at being able to see in the mirror more clearly.
I feel more vulnerable and cautious, like I'm a small child in a very big, highly unpredictable world. Lol, I rarely feel like I'm an adult and adults partake in different things then children do.
The world outside is moving too fast as the world inside is shifting with awareness. I'm juggling 7 balls incessantly and I tire and I'm weaker then I thought and I keep dropping the ball, getting frustrated with myself and my mental restraints of having gray matter that functions so slow, flips switches and routinely loses balls under the rug, the bed and way back behind the fridge.
I like my friends that I communicate with once every couple of weeks or so. They don't find fault with me or expect more then I can give.
I don't have much to give, to others outside. It's a brutal reality as I bundle up my coat tighter against the freezing sheets of sleet. It's like I'm in a blizzard and I can't find warmth or comfort outside anyway.
I'm gifted with curiosity and creativity. It almost hurts not to be able to pursue my arts, crafts and special interests. My passion sits on a shelf, staring down at me, forlorn, waiting for when I have the time and energy to enrich myself and pick up paint brush or wood glue or create an assemblage, a painting, sharpie a card, delve into mapping, so so much I want to pursue yet my hands are tied, metaphorically speaking.
Then there is the whole idea that I've learned love or, their misbegotten definition of it, all too well. My mother, my ex used the L word a whole lot and it never meant anything warm and fuzzy. Their love was empty, cold and meant outward shows with smiles, words and a multitude of gifts, yet, they were completely incapable of giving any emotion, any warmth, genuine care and worthy respect. I learned love wrong. I learned their definition and now I am aware that it was falselove, badlove, love full of manipulation and hurt. Trying to figure out how to fix my dictionary as I believed all their slanted, manipulative words and empty gestures.
Yeah, I don't know what the real definition, truelove feels and smells like without the taste of ick. They taught me well and all wrong. They were both narcissist, you know. Both heavily damaged, unable to see their own cruelty and shortcomings and unwilling to be aware of how damaged they really are and how they hurt and destroyed those they "loved".
You can't fix what you refuse to acknowledge is broken. I don't feel much pity for them. They have had ample opportunity to seek professional help and see what pain and hurt they caused, choosing to remain broken and cruel. I refuse to waste my breathe on those who never heard or saw my cries.
I guess that's why I miss Lis. She was one of the few kind and truly loving beings I've been blessed with. I guess, if I can date and find the right person that they would be a lot like her in heart and spirit. Damn, I was lucky she was in my life those long ago years when I had no one.
Well, a week from tomorrow I see my therapist. My one friend and I will have lunch next week. My other friend is a texting session about every week or two. I have weekly acupuncture and that seems to help move out old energy and calm down the anxiety.
I was able to complete most of the items on my task list and even had an hour to color.
Tomorrow there be another list and again, I will attempt to indulge my art for at least an hour if energy permits.
I'm not sure I touched on the crux of my tears. They seem to have arisen due to a multitude of factors. I may have to write more tomorrow. Maybe tonight my dreams will enlighten me, as they often do.
Take care
Be kind
Thanks for reading
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