Sometimes you just have to accept who you are and realize it's not going to change. I think I've been putting too much effort into trying to turn concrete into sand.
I can see now that I have continually had low level depression with sporadic, isolated instances of happiness, which looks a lot like mania. It's quite clear why I've been diagnosed with manic depression a couple of times before. It Looks Like It. Ha, but it's just autistic me.
My antidepressant medication keeps me barely floating and works just fine. I've probably tried a dozen other antiD meds which resulted in disappointing side effects. Basically, this is as good as it gets. No use complaining or trying to make it improve.
Maybe I'm just learning to give up on lost causes...sleeping at night, therapy and not being depressed.
Sleep meds have proven to be nightmares. So I've tried to be productive with my nighttime hours. I can't ever see it changing.
I throw my hands up in the air but it's better than frustrated fists.
I'm lonely but without the ability, the energy and the mental means to have a relationship. Just gotta get used to that. It sure feels like a double bind...wanting something and not having the means to procure it.
Nope, I'm not sad or even bummed. I call it harsh reality.
I'm so sick of all this "love love love" crap which is something I haven't experienced nor will I ever. The distress of just getting through the day is more then I can handle as it is.
I'll continue my avoidance protocol, only doing all the things that need to be done. The fewest appointments and interactions as possible. I even stopped acupuncture because the stress was more then the benefit. That plus having to drive to a nearby town with traffic and all. It just didn't add up anymore.
Maybe I'm becoming more calculating, wiser and prioritizing better. My son comes first and his needs are many. It's easy for me to do for him. It's my priority. He's my guy. I'm taking care of me, too.
Low-level reclusive living works best for this autistic.
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