Therapy and Pain

I asked my therapist if she'd ever seen someone with so much pain.
She did not reply. Just stared at my with sad, not sad, compassionate eyes that could have cried.
I get it. I have a heavy duty amount of emotional and physical pain due to the abuses of three different perpetrators and neglect from one other. I've talked about: the physical abuse, starvation, filth, incest by 3 different relatives, having child porn pictures and films made of me, being part of a small child porn ring, and various incidents of outright torture, all before I turned 10.
Yeah, I have an ungodly amount of pain.
Therapy has been going very well with the usual bumps in the road but therapist and I seem to be on the right track.
So, I've been thinking that we should make it a priority to bring up and discuss one instance of suppressed pain at each session. Basically, find one of the hurt parts of me and ask them to talk about it in therapy. Sounds reasonable.
The processing of memories and flashbacks are just what needs doing to heal. I'm committed to discover who and all that I am. That does mean finding out disturbing situations. It's a huge pile of caca. It really is but it's slowly being dealt with one little piece at a time.
A newly created piece of art work, 4"x4". It's one of those pieces that will always be more powerful when seen in person.
Peace

Multiple Personality Disorder "Strength in Numbers"

Port City Organics Manistee and the Pedophile

So, the local news stations have been reporting on the arrest of Port City Organics owner, Joe Dumas, as being charged with having/ sending child pornography.
Apparently, shhhh, I shouldn't talk about it because he's innocent until proven guilty. This issue bothers me on a couple of fronts.
One, here is a statement from the store:

"Our business has received attention this week that has resulted in questions and comments.  We are a limited liability company with members who own shares in the company.

We have employees and customers who rely on us to provide high-quality goods and services. Port City Organics, LLC will continue to provide goods, services, and employment in our community. 

Thank you for your calls, messages, and questions over the last week."

So, the store is trying to distance itself from Joe. Joe who built the business from the ground up. Now, Port City Organics is a company. I think people need to realise that some of the money spent at the store will go towards Joe's lawyer.
Do you really want to support a Suspected Pedophile? Do you want to take that chance?
Over 100 people "like" this statement. That bothers me. I think zero people should support a Suspected pedophile, but I guess I'm kinda odd.
Employees are concerned they may lose their jobs. Really? They obviously care more about a paycheck than the crime or the victims of child pornography.
Are they really that blind and selfish? I wonder.
I'm bothered by the fact that I spent hundreds of dollars at Joe's Store. Seriously, that's what some of us locals called it. Everyone knew PCO was Joe's enterprise.
I knew Joe. I'd ask him questions, gave him hugs, thought highly of him and that last one stings. I feel like I was duped. Betrayed. Someone I thought of as a good acquaintance turned out to be nothing more than Maybe a creep who got sexual satisfaction watching kiddie porn. That sickens me.
If he is innocent, I'll quickly remove this post and issue a prompt apology.
If he is found guilty, maybe goes to prison, he will be one of the few felons who has a ready made job waiting for him when he gets out. He'll have a forgiving community that will look the other way. He'll have a constant source of income in prison and when he gets out.
I'm bothered by that but, again, I guess I'm just odd.

My life story Is unbelievable

It's come to pass, that I'm aware of a number of abuse incidents that had been pushed into the deep recesses of my mind...my life story Is truly a bizarre, horrific, cataclysmic series of far-reaching events.
Don't get me wrong, I realize that they are true...a Multiple does not create dozens of alternate personalities for boo boos and skinned knees..but if I ever went so far as to put down to paper All, or even half of the events that I fully remember...no one would ever believe it.
In a strange way, I lose..credibility? at this point as the incidents have added up too high and the horrific component would be too intense to read in a single book.
Hear what I'm saying? The more I know, the more I'm made aware, the less likely I feel that I'm believable.
I mean, one child could have, say, a handful of traumatic experiences and live to adulthood to tell the tale but, say, a dozen incidents of sadistic torture committed by 3 different relatives? Come on...who would believe that.
My truth is far stranger than any fiction I've ever read.
Sigh
It's just me. All various experiences that actually took place. Of course, it's taken me years to put all the fragmented pieces together...but still...tragic.  you know?

Misery, uncontrollable itching

Itching all over is a special kind of hell. The last two days of my life have been lost in this irritating, unknown, dizzying craze of itching here, there and everywhere.
I can't think straight. After seeing the doctor yesterday, I can take a pill to stop itching but it puts me to sleep and makes me dizzy. I really can't focus and I snap at everyone around me.
I've gotten nothing done around the house, no chores or projects. I'm simply existing, stupified as to what is causing this. Having no way to stop or locate the actual cause.
I'm miserable. I truly, really am.

Aspergers, Socializing and The Rules of Engagement

One of the biggest problems regarding making friends, is know when and what to say. Is it acceptable to greet a stranger with "hi" that you pass on the street, or who you walk by in your neighborhood.
There are no hard and fast rules. I'm currently experiencing a dramatic cultural shift, as I moved from Michigan to Oregon. People in Michigan routinely Do Not say hi to anyone walking past them.in Oregon, it's usually customary to do so.
It's risky saying hi to strangers as rejection is possible. I'd say its about 50/50 that the other person will respond back in kind. Half the time I end up rejected, feeling sheepish and stupid.
To avoid the problem completely I've figured out a solution, zero eye contact. Yep, if I see someone approaching I avert my eyes, looking down, or if my phone is handy, pretending to look at it.
It's tricky and uncomfortable. I can surmise that it varies regarding location and age plays a factor as well. Used to be that saying hello to a child was acceptable and polite. Now, you can be viewed as a threat if you talk to a child other than your own.
As I am "middle-aged" I find it easier to address others who are in my age bracket or older. The most rejection I've encountered has been with the 20 something crowd of college students.
It's funny, if I walk my dog at night it is almost certain that greetings are exchanged passing by others on the sidewalk. It's kinda like a "nighttime handshake" in that you are expressing "I'm no threat" by saying hello to each other. They, most people, are quite polite herd.
The scariest people I've encountered are the ones I greet who just stare at me like I'm a criminal, invading their space with a cursory remark. Those pensive, hostile faces can haunt me and cause me to use the avoiding eye contact defensive for a spell.
It's like one person ignoring me sets my mood. If I go for a long walk and the first person I speak to ignored me, I'm most likely to not speak to anyone for the remainder of my walk.
At a short  distance away, if I see a casual smile, then I know I'm okay to speak. It's sooo...um, unpredictable and risky, stressful and uncomfortable to try and be friendly. Some days I try harder than others.
I don't know if it will ever get any easier.

Newly diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder..here is what you need to know

1) So you've been diagnosed with DID. Don't panic. You've been a Multiple for many, many years. The only difference is you now have a name for why you've always felt different. Don't try and wrap your brain around finding alters, searching for memories, worrying about the number of alters or the whole integration debate.
You and your "system" or family of alters/people were built for survival. You can do this.
2) Keep a log and a journal out on a table or desk and check them often. A log is for writing down the day-to-day stuff like when medication was taken, when you went ti bed and got up, what you ate for lunch, any appointments or places you have to be, etc.
A journal is personal. It's for you and your alters to write about whatever is on your mind. You can write about any issues, concerns, flashbacks, nightmares, triggering or bothersome experiences, etc. You can leave a note, an entry for other alters to see. Say, if you have a question about who bought a new, unexplained teddy bear, just ask who bought it and who it is for. If you can't remember the name of your fourth grade teacher, just ask. Someone in your system will know. If you go to therapy make a habit of writing a few sentences about it when you get home.
3) Find a Therapist. This is important. It's good to have an objective, trained professional help you understand about what DID is and how to start healing.
You do not need a specifically trained or highly experienced therapist. Out of the 4 therapists I've had since diagnosis, only 1 had specific DID training. My other 3 worked just as well for me.
Here is what I look for in a therapist:
They have to fully believe that DID exists.
She needs to be smart, kind, caring and have good boundaries. Those are the most important qualities. I also like a therapist who has her own act together, listens well and talks little about herself. I Do benefit by having a therapist that has experience in working with sexual abuse. That's kinda a huge bonus, nay, a necessity.
Some Multiples can do just fine without therapy. Others, like myself, choose to work on freeing all the traumatic memories like a full time job. Living alone without family or close friends, I require a therapist for stability and healing.
4) Try and create a safe home environment whereby you aren't living with your abusers or enablers. It can be difficult to do but it's really hard to heal living with people that have or still do, hurt you.
5) Consider applying for disability if you are unable to work. There is Social Security Disability or Supplemental Security Income. Many Multiples are able to hold down full time jobs. However, if you are like me and unable to work enough hours to sustain yourself, look into the possibility of applying for disability.
I'll not kid you, there will be ups and downs. It will get better!! You got this.

You know you were seriously abused as a kid if..

You have thoughts and can share opinions regarding different types of rope and the pros and cons of each one being tied around your wrist...or other body parts.
I think it's the polyester or cotton that were my favorite. Softest against the skin. They had a little give to them and they didn't leave marks unless you fought them or they were on for more then an hour.
That mamila stuff, the worst. It was very scratchy, pokey, irritating all the time. No escaping it. Least favorite.
Polypropylene is, I think, what we used to call "boat rope" as it was used to tie the anchor to the boat. Often used to pull sleds too. My medium favorite. It didn't scratch but it wasn't soft either. Very stiff plasticy. It often would fray here and there which made it unpleasant and pokey.
I think I'll just leave this there.
Someday maybe I'll realize how sad and tragic this post is. Sometimes it's okay not to feel.

Waking up, I guess you'd call it, decades later

I just kinda showed up last night. Last I remember it was 1987 and I was working and living in downtown Grand Rapids. My sister had gotten me a job working with her, copying medical records on a big old Xerox machine. I think she said she was a subcontractor for some type of firm or something. Anyway, she taught me how to look up and locate the records, copy the papers and stack them a certain way.
It went well when she was there working with me but when she left me on my own I kinda lost it. Being by myself, at night, in the bottom of this Huge hospital was just too much. I remember where I had to park. Looking over to my left and seeing for the first time, like, hoardes of bats flying over burger king. That was pretty freaky. I'd never seen more than a single bat once or twice before that.
I can't remember how I got out of the job but I did. Oh, before I quit I managed to have some fun photocopying my face, hands and stuff and sending the copies to friends. And when the copy machine broke down or stopped working or got jammed, man, I'd get so upset. It was too much.
I started seeing a therapist, Gale, downtown at the Community Mental Health, CMH building. It was on the second floor. Gale was cool cause we could sit and smoke in her office and just talk. She had a big window we loved to look out of. Yeah, it was nice talking with her. I don't remember much of what was said other than she thought it best I should move out of my parents house.
Gotta go. Stuff to do. 1987 part 2 later dude

How do you get Dissociative Identity Disorder?

Ah, now that's a real simple question. Here's the standard equation:
1) you have to be young. When I was diagnosed 30 years age, psychiatrists said you had to be under 3. Now I've read under 5 or even 9 years of age.
And
2) you have to experience an overwhelming or series of, basically horrific events. 99% of DID people suffered some type of abuse, physical, sexual, emotional and/or neglect.
And
3) there has to be little to no adult caregiver attachment. A parent may have been present but unable to properly live, care and protect the child, an alcoholic, emotionally unstable, never home, etc.
Those are the three main factors that contribute to the development of DID.
Personally, I'm also leaning towards thinking that there may very well be a genetic predisposition to DID.
How did I end up Multiple (My favorite term for people living with DID, from the old and more easily understood diagnosis of Multiple Personality Disorder)?
A) my mother was incapable of love, tried to drown me in the sink when I was way little, allowed my father to physical assault me, knew and allowed the incest, dad's sexually molesting me on a daily or weekly basis.
B) my dad and the chronic sexual abuse. Torture at his hands, both for his pleasure and to keep me quiet.
C) being neglected, not getting enough to eat, starving for days, going without appropriate clothing, having the household heat turned off, living with maggots and garbage in the basement.
It's a recipe for an extreme case of DID. Being autistic, I do believe I was genetically predisposed to creating alternate personalities, "alters" or as I call them "people". The alters are psych parts of me that split off during the traumatic incidents. When I couldn't handle the pain/torture anymore, I'd create an alternative personality to absorb the hurt and the memory. Because my assaults were daily or weekly, I'm a rather complex Multiple.
I've been in therapy since I was 23 and I'm 54 now. There was about a 9 year span when I didn't have insurance so no therapy, otherwise I've been working to remain functional, productive and not nuts.
So, DID happens to children who are traumatized.
More later

Leaving Therapy Ungrounded

Getting grounded, when exiting a therapy session, is a weekly goal for us. Last week's marathon 2 hour session left us feeling...unsettled, a little bit off, as we walked back to our car. There really wasn't any way to fix the way I felt. I managed about 3 days of semi-functionality, 3 days of trying to find one solid person in the system before I decided to reach out for help.
It's the first time, to my recollection, that I emailed therapist asking for an extra appointment. It's been about 10 months with this new T, so we've done pretty well
This whole asking for help thing and patiently waiting to hear back, is new for me. T wrote back within a few hours saying she would check her schedule when she got to her office the next morning, meaning today.
She wrote me this morning saying she had a half hour to spare. I jumped in the car. I had been standing outside and I didn't even take the time to go into my house for my water bottle and wallet. I felt seriously desperate and needed every minute I could get with her. It was a calculated risk that I was willing to take.
Jumping back to last week's 2 hour session...2 major events were brought up. One, the first one we spoke of, was a new flashback that involved a younger me walking in with our mother to see a new pediatrician.
What's a flashback?
A flashback is when the brain suddenly releases, let's go of, a long held repressed memory. It felt as if I was, Was walking with my mother, holding her hand, reading the sign out front with the doctor's name, seeing and walking through the glassdoors, feeling the floor mat, smelling all these new scents of an office; the carpet, cleaning products, fragrances emanating from this person or that.
I Felt and saw everything from the perspective of a child; the tallness of the doctor and nurse, the desk I could barely see over, the big exam table, etc.
So something happened that day, almost 50 years ago, that was traumatic and overwhelming. The flashback would only show me the "opening snippet", me walking through the doors and waiting room and the flashback, fb, would then abruptly stop.
That's why I go to therapy, to resolve these sporadic flashbacks. I've learned that a) fbs are my brain trying to heal. B) fbs can be triggered by outside events, hence one really good reason Multiples (the name which I and others with DID often refer to ourselves, from the older diagnosis of Multiple Personality Disorder) tend to stay indoors where it's relatively safe and fbs don't happen spontaneously as often. C) fbs only feel highly terrifying but I've lived through whatever this memory is once before and I can do it again. D) the discomfort of a fb will end at some point.
For my fb to end, I need to be able to verbalize it. Plain, simple and frustrating. I can write and think about the fb all I want but I've learned that they only go away once full talked about with someone trusted, my therapist.
I find that frustrating, especially as an Autistic because I pride myself on being able to do as much as possible on my own. I certainly do not like needing someone to witness and hear the gruesome, disturbing crap I've been put through. It is what it is, and I'm working to accept that.
There was a second...highly heinous, very complex memory involving about 5-6 parts of me that has been hanging around in the periphery unresolved. I don't usually procure 2 hour sessions and I really needed extra time to try and process this complexity out.
So, we tackled both subjects, both memories. I feel we just touched the surface on the doctor one, which Did prove to stop the fb. More work needs to be done and I'm glad we got started on it.
The second complex memory is becoming clearer. It felt like pure chaos yet now, after discussing, I can see the order of it. It will be distressing to work out. I envision a half dozen more sessions just for this memory alone. I can also see what I stand to gain and benefit from working it.
Maybe more on that later.
Enough for now

Awake or Asleep, Flasbacks or Nightmares

Some days i cant win...