For wearing iron chain mail mesh
For caring so much
Feeling so deeply
For caring the pain so hidden and well, what if someone finds it, sees it, I show it, show how close I am past broken
I forgive myself for loving people that hurt me,
For being broken
For needing love and working so hard, taking so much hurt because I was willing to do anything, I'd allow them to do anything to me because I wanted to be loved.
I forgive myself for being fucking human and for wanting and needing.
I forgive myself for never being good enough for them to love me.
I forgive myself for being small and fragile and easily damaged.
I forgive myself for hoping day after day after day and being a chump and thinking and hoping...for all the wasted time and energy, if I just kept the secrets, they would love me, if I just didn't protest or fight against it, then they would've loved me.
I forgive myself for thinking I was special and being jealous when others would be so used.
I forgive myself for keeping the secrets so long, for not being able to find a single soul to trust, to tell them.
I forgive myself for all the times I saw him hurt others and did and said nothing.
I forgive myself for being jealous and happy that it was someone else being hurt.
I forgive myself for not killing myself long long long ago.
I forgive myself for choosing to live, for choosing to carry this pain, hidden, wrapped deep inside.
Yes, I forgive myself for living. I forgive myself for being alive.
I forgive myself for feeling the need to punish myself, all the time, secretly.
I forgive myself for being a dirty little sexual thing.
I forgive myself for choosing to live, a lie, for decades.
I forgive myself for pretending to be okay,, even quasi normal.
I forgive myself for all the times I lied and said it didn't hurt or I didn't mind doing that disgusting, filthy thing.
I forgive myself for being a dirty, disgusting filthy thing.
I forgive myself for not beating my mother to death.
I forgive myself for sacrificing myself in the name of saving her, an empty hollow disgusting wretch who freely gave her child to be raped.
I forgive myself for not fighting to clear my name and reputation. No one would believe me anyway.
I forgive myself for having so much hate for her.
I forgive myself for being so incredibly stupid and believing the lies for so long.
I forgive myself for not fighting harder, for not believing in myself, for not having the decency and know how to love myself enough to get away sooner.
I forgive myself for being so incredibly naive and stupid so long.
I forgive myself for being so incredibly damaged.
Mostly, I forgive myself for being stupid enough to stay alive. Word.
I forgive myself for not dying the first time I could have. And for all the times after.
I forgive myself for surviving
And for carrying the pain, guilt and shame so long. It's like I absorbed all their sins and took them upon myself, like I'm just this thing to absolve others.
I forgive myself for not knowing better.
I forgive myself for being so scared all the time, for letting fear take the wheel and run my life.
I forgive myself for never feeling good, for never feeling worthy or that I had anything to offer because I am so tightly wrapped within myself trying to keep the pain in and hidden, like I have no other worth or value. I'm nothing. I'm nothingness. I forgive myself for not liking who and all that I am.
I don't know that I can ever like myself or come to peace with all the things I have done.
I forgive myself for thinking it was okay to torture me. I forgive myself for the pain I was forced to inflict on others.
I forgive myself for not being stronger. For all the times I "agreed" that it was okay to hurt me. I agreed. I said it was okay. Forced to say it, against myself. Forced to agree, so easy to manipulate.
I made promises. Forced to promise. Forced to keep quiet. Forced into sex, over and over and over again.
I forgive myself for hating myself, my parents, my life, others who weren't being hurt.
I forgive myself for thinking the acts so defiling that disclosing them would erroneously be more hurtful than having to continue to endure them.
I forgive myself for believing him. That this would be the last time, that he regretted it, that he would stop, that it wouldn't happen again.
I'm a filthy, dirty, little thing, you know.
I hate who I am. I hate what was done to me. I hate what I had to do. I hate carrying it all. I hate being afraid to disclose because I always feel like a dirty little filthy thing that will do anything for her father's attention.
I hate...me
Can I ever forgive myself for living, for the things I've done
For caring so much
Feeling so deeply
For caring the pain so hidden and well, what if someone finds it, sees it, I show it, show how close I am past broken
I forgive myself for loving people that hurt me,
For being broken
For needing love and working so hard, taking so much hurt because I was willing to do anything, I'd allow them to do anything to me because I wanted to be loved.
I forgive myself for being fucking human and for wanting and needing.
I forgive myself for never being good enough for them to love me.
I forgive myself for being small and fragile and easily damaged.
I forgive myself for hoping day after day after day and being a chump and thinking and hoping...for all the wasted time and energy, if I just kept the secrets, they would love me, if I just didn't protest or fight against it, then they would've loved me.
I forgive myself for thinking I was special and being jealous when others would be so used.
I forgive myself for keeping the secrets so long, for not being able to find a single soul to trust, to tell them.
I forgive myself for all the times I saw him hurt others and did and said nothing.
I forgive myself for being jealous and happy that it was someone else being hurt.
I forgive myself for not killing myself long long long ago.
I forgive myself for choosing to live, for choosing to carry this pain, hidden, wrapped deep inside.
Yes, I forgive myself for living. I forgive myself for being alive.
I forgive myself for feeling the need to punish myself, all the time, secretly.
I forgive myself for being a dirty little sexual thing.
I forgive myself for choosing to live, a lie, for decades.
I forgive myself for pretending to be okay,, even quasi normal.
I forgive myself for all the times I lied and said it didn't hurt or I didn't mind doing that disgusting, filthy thing.
I forgive myself for being a dirty, disgusting filthy thing.
I forgive myself for not beating my mother to death.
I forgive myself for sacrificing myself in the name of saving her, an empty hollow disgusting wretch who freely gave her child to be raped.
I forgive myself for not fighting to clear my name and reputation. No one would believe me anyway.
I forgive myself for having so much hate for her.
I forgive myself for being so incredibly stupid and believing the lies for so long.
I forgive myself for not fighting harder, for not believing in myself, for not having the decency and know how to love myself enough to get away sooner.
I forgive myself for being so incredibly naive and stupid so long.
I forgive myself for being so incredibly damaged.
Mostly, I forgive myself for being stupid enough to stay alive. Word.
I forgive myself for not dying the first time I could have. And for all the times after.
I forgive myself for surviving
And for carrying the pain, guilt and shame so long. It's like I absorbed all their sins and took them upon myself, like I'm just this thing to absolve others.
I forgive myself for not knowing better.
I forgive myself for being so scared all the time, for letting fear take the wheel and run my life.
I forgive myself for never feeling good, for never feeling worthy or that I had anything to offer because I am so tightly wrapped within myself trying to keep the pain in and hidden, like I have no other worth or value. I'm nothing. I'm nothingness. I forgive myself for not liking who and all that I am.
I don't know that I can ever like myself or come to peace with all the things I have done.
I forgive myself for thinking it was okay to torture me. I forgive myself for the pain I was forced to inflict on others.
I forgive myself for not being stronger. For all the times I "agreed" that it was okay to hurt me. I agreed. I said it was okay. Forced to say it, against myself. Forced to agree, so easy to manipulate.
I made promises. Forced to promise. Forced to keep quiet. Forced into sex, over and over and over again.
I forgive myself for hating myself, my parents, my life, others who weren't being hurt.
I forgive myself for thinking the acts so defiling that disclosing them would erroneously be more hurtful than having to continue to endure them.
I forgive myself for believing him. That this would be the last time, that he regretted it, that he would stop, that it wouldn't happen again.
I'm a filthy, dirty, little thing, you know.
I hate who I am. I hate what was done to me. I hate what I had to do. I hate carrying it all. I hate being afraid to disclose because I always feel like a dirty little filthy thing that will do anything for her father's attention.
I hate...me
Can I ever forgive myself for living, for the things I've done
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