We had a blockage, a place, a series of internal "rooms" where we kept all the pain and hurt that we were not allowed to express. No one could see us hurt or we would be punished or tortured. We could never let our perpetrators see that they were hurting us because it would give them great pleasure and they would inflict more. So, we walled off our pain.
A week ago, we decided to become aware of our pain and let it out. It was an agreement we made. We asked our body what needed to be done to feel healthy again. We were drawn to our consistently tight and sore right ankle. It was the place we stored things, emotions and memories, that we were unable to handle as a child.
For a week, we wrestled with great emotional pain with an intensity we had never before experienced. The external reality narrowed and faded away as we were consumed with feeling and releasing wave after wave of great pain. After a few days of constant tears, it abated a bit and we could breath again.
The depression and sorrow created danger for us. It was like we were grasping both hands into the ground struggling to hold onto a whiff of sanity and the willingness to live.
I guessed that others may experience this at times with the death of a loved one or something similar.
I wonder if there is a threshold whereby this is the maximum amount of pain all humans can handle. Or, if due to my having stored and accumulated numerous events of pain, that what I was feeling was more intense than what others felt. I could not imagine any other human being able to quasi function and continue to live while feeling so much so deeply.
In my mind, there is a maximum pain threshold. When one event happens, one sack of intensity is felt. I was feeling dozens, one sack after another, my guess.
When we hurt emotionally, if we don't acknowledge and express it, it is stored away in our body, our cells causing us to malfunction physically as well as emotionally.
I'm on the other side of the Great Pain. I'm learning that it's okay to feel.
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